2010 thus far

Perhaps a "hello" to the new year is long overdue considering we're now in the first week of April, but despite the steady stream of protesting emails from friends and followers, I haven't felt inspired to blog since Christmas. The jury is still out as to whether 2010 is going to bring more success than the trying year before it, but regardless, I have already found myself enjoying exciting new opportunities and friendships that easily outweigh the anxiety of a still failing job market.

In March I attended the Southwestern Photojournalism Conference in Fort Worth, Texas, as I have every spring for three years. This year was extra special since Esther Havens was invited to speak for the first time. Esther's message about the newly emerging genre of humanitarian photography became the central theme of the conference, and she something of a celebrity for the college students in attendance. I was so proud of her! If you haven't already begun following Esther's work on your own or through prior blog posts of mine, I encourage you to do so.

The most exciting new thing 2010 has brought into my life is a news writer position with YoProCo (Young Professional Connection), an online news source for young professionals set to launch at TechCrunch in New York City this May. The publication will also be a place where young professionals can follow the success of select peers who are emerging as industry leaders and innovative entrepreneurs.

I am one of many young journalists who was hurled into the news industry during a time of total upheaval. Newspapers are on their last leg, stock photography is no longer lucrative, and staff jobs have become few and far between as outlets rely more heavily on freelancers. I have blogged before about how we absolutely must view this season not as the devastation of news media but as a rebirthing that we are incredibly privileged to participate in. The best way to experience personal success in this industry is to jump on board with whatever innovations are going to become the standard of news media in the near future. I believe that the convergence of social networking, internet technology and traditional news media is the future of the industry.

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

The Adventure of Failure

I have started and restarted this blog a dozen different ways attempting to draw from some analogy that would mask the more venerable and personal aspects of its origin. Screw the analogies. This blog entry is about the raw ugly hard part of life that I don't usually send off into cyberspace for fear that it will taint others' ability to view me in a strictly professional light. However, I honestly believe that the most precious thing we have to offer one another are our stories, because in doing so we can inspire, motivate or even provide accountability to those around us. So allow me to begin by saying 2009 was not my year.

If you had asked me at 21 what the next ten years of my life would look like I'd have told you that I was going to finish my degree, get a job as a photojournalist, travel the world, fall madly in love, and that the rest of my life would be a long string of momentous occasions. Because why the hell shouldn't it be? Here's the truth. Two men have loved me enough to marry me, and those same two men have cheated on me and left me. For five years I immersed myself in all things journalism only to spend two years working in a corporate cubicle before watching my career swirl down the drain before it had really even begun. There are days, today even, when I allow the doubt, the defeat and the resentment to creep in and take hold of my mind and my heart. There have been countless times in my life when the only thing that kept me pushing was knowing that there were people who cared what happened to me even when I didn't. Perhaps that's the trick to a good life; always surrounding yourself with people who are supportive and love you through the tough stuff.

So back to 2009... After a year and a half in my cubicle I had gotten stir crazy and was itching to go back to school. My company had an opening in Tempe, AZ and would help me pay for my MBA at Arizona State. I told myself that if I got that opening it was a sign - I was meant to go. So when I got it, I did. Perhaps I should have seen the red flags popping up when HR messed up my transfer paperwork, or when my car fell off a U-Haul trailer just shy of Palm Springs on the drive over. I tried to stay optimistic and just passed it off as clumsy luck. As my three months in AZ slowly crept by, I found myself dealing with endless HR problems, drama with my ex back in CA, and even went into kidney failure thanks to the triple-digit dry desert heat. I threw in the towel. I shoved as much of my belongings as would fit into my Ford Focus and abandoned the rest. I headed back to NorCal, but this time through Vegas because, hell, who wouldn't have needed a weekend in Vegas at that point. Upon arriving home I didn't even apply for unemployment because I couldn't imagine it taking longer than a couple weeks to start working again. Four months later I found myself caving in and accepting a job pushing papers in a small office for barely over minimum wage. I worked hard and learned quickly and my financial situation slowly began to get better, but only as my personal life once again fell to pieces.

I could easily end this entry there and wait patiently for your, "I'm so sorry!" and "Keep your chin up!" replies, but that's not the point of this entry at all. The point is that 2009 might have topped my list of disastrously disappointing years, but it has been jam packed with adventure.

I went to a rave in Mexico City and got drunk at a soccer bar with the locals. I attended my second Southwestern Photojournalism Conference in Dallas. I had an action packed road trip to Arizona. While I was there, I got to deepen my friendship with one of my dearest girlfriends and hung out with cousins who I grew up only visiting every couple years. I watched the sunset from the top of "A" Mountain and played volleyball in Lake Powell. I road tripped to Vegas... twice. I spent a weekend helping my college best friend pick out a couch for her new apartment three blocks from Venice Beach. I went to a fashion show with an old friend who didn't mind sharing a bottle of cheap wine in soup cups. And perhaps most incredible of all, I watched my nephews start preschool and was able to be around when they began using all sorts of smart words.

2009 can't have been a bad year, it was just a year full of the unexpected. The author of "Eat, Pray, Love" wrote about how agonizing her transition was from who she was before the one-year adventure that became that book and the woman that book allowed her to be. By being stripped of everything she had, including her financial security and her relationship, she found a new and better woman inside herself and began to thrive. I challenge you, I challenge myself - Let 2009 not be a year of brokenness but a year of refiner's fire that segways into a 2010 overflowing with blessings and success.

Does humanitarianism perpetuate poverty?

A friend and I had a long and lively debate this evening about whether or not Western humanitarian aid is ultimately helpful or hurtful to developing nations and what role the government should play in foreign aid compared to charities. I admittedly approach this subject from a more heartfelt and emotional standpoint, having been actively involved in humanitarian work from early childhood. This friend is also well traveled and has been living and working in a developing nation for the past several years, however he has very different thoughts on how Western involvement in developing nations should be carried out.

The conversation was sparked by my forwarding of a promotional email from a non-profit organization. My reasoning for including this friend on the forward was not so much that I expected him to donate as that being a photography enthusiast I assumed he would enjoy the photographs, which were taken by another friend of mine who we've spoken about in the past.

My friend promptly refuted my support of this non-profit's work by giving historical context to the inability of Western charity to contribute toward a lasting betterment of developing nations. I defended that there is more to charity than solving global issues; there is the meeting of basic human needs be it physical, emotional, or spiritual. I was enraged that this friend dared attribute my compassion for these peoples' livelihood to propaganda for a flawed and ultimately damaging practice. It took some time for us to both set aside emotion and talk facts.

We agreed that if humanitarian efforts met only the physical needs of the people and did not address the overlaying issue of government corruption that the government would never assume a sense of responsibility for meeting its people's needs, and that the people would grow complacent and not be motivated to rise up and force their government to do so. We did not agree on how Western nations should alter their approach to this situation.

The United States government is selective about which countries and which types of conflicts it will become involved in. Africa is, as a continent, rather abandoned by government intervention from the US. It is my opinion that the US does not involve itself in African coups and civil wars because there is no African nation capable of being a militaristic threat to it and most of the commerce between African countries and the US can be met otherwise. Unrest in parts of Europe, Asia and the Middle East, on the other hand, is of concern to the US because there stands a greater threat. It was not directly stated, although I can fairly assume that my friend would agree that the US justifiably must consider its own physical and monetary well being when approaching any foreign conflict. However, where we part ways is in our views as to the balance between political and humanitarian motivation for Western intervention.

My friend stated that the best way to dissolve a dictatorship is to politically endorse and finance a new and better leader. I strongly disagree. I simply cannot imagine a way in which the American people would be able to agree upon a way to carry out such a policy, and should the US government do so without consulting its people, there would be widespread outrage. Not to mention that this theory entirely neglects to address the very grim probability of the new leader being any less corrupt than the last. A man who has not been shown compassion does not know how to be compassionate. A man who rises up solely out of selfish ambition will address his political office as a self-seeking leader. In order for a political figure to effect positive socioeconomic change in his country he must first understand what the needs are and have a genuine desire to meet them.

There is no quick or simple answer, but I will definitely continue researching and trying to gain a more inclusive understanding of the issue. I'll probably revisit and rewrite this blog entry several times as I gain new perspective.

Hecho en Columbia

Kathy is a Columbian native living in Las Vegas, where I met her last month. When she asked me to return to take some photos of her I was more than glad to! She is an unemployed graphic designer who has taken up promotional modeling on "the strip" while riding out the economic slump.

The Decor of Sanity

As a college freshman living in my parents' home, I turned my bedroom into a "Tahitian bungalow" complete with bamboo ceiling. My college dorm room was shared, but it was very clear where the boundary was. My roommate had mismatched bedding, pig shaped lights strung over the window, and mounds of books and paperwork strewn across her desk. I had an alphabetized book shelf at the foot of my Tommy Hilfiger bed and two paper lamps hanging over a tidy desk where even the pen holder matched my color scheme. I have moved literally 18 times since I graduated from high school in 2000, and yet even when all my belongings could fit into my Ford Focus, I always managed to squeeze some style in the back seat. My current must have item regardless of the move is a large mirror with the most amazing vintage gold frame, which has hung in a bathroom, over a dresser, and leaned against several bedroom walls.

My mother may not have taught me about makeup or dating, but she definitely instilled in me an appreciation for keeping a neat home, or usually in my case a space, that is always "guest ready." When I come home it isn't to a space that looks as chaotic and disconnected as my mind often feels. There is an order to things, both in life and in the home, and they are meant to reflect one another. While my mother and I have very different tastes in decor, I think we are both good at creating spaces that are functional and appealing.

This standard often causes extreme tension in my shared space. The only thing worse than coming home to your own mess is coming home to someone else's, be it shoes in the hallway, mail strewn across the kitchen counter, knickknacks on the coffee table, or pet hair caked on the couch pillows. I haven't decided yet if God insists on keeping me at a roommate necessary standard of living to break me of my OCD or if he's just gets a kick out of watching me have mini-meltdowns every time I find my toothbrush holder sitting at the wrong angle on the counter. Either way, I greatly anticipate someday entering a life season in which I can have a place, modest as it may be, where I can create a Zen untouched by less acute sensibilities. I dream of lazy overcast mornings curled up in a breakfast nook with a newspaper in hand, Elis Regina streaming on Pandora, and the delicate scent of freshly cut stargazers competing with that of the steam rising off my French press. I don't care much where you place that scene... In a San Francisco Victorian, in an Ann Arbor loft, in a Cape Town flat... As long as there's a good man strolling sleepily into the kitchen after me, and a genuine anticipation for the job I'll head to a short while later.

On a lighter note! I'll share with you some of my favorite places to score decor bargains! Of course my favorite items are ones I've accumulated through my travels, but there are countless places to find unique pieces locally while shopping on a minimal budget. When I'm in designer discounter stores like TJ Max, Marshall's, Ross, or Nordstrom Rack, I always keep an eye on the clearance racks where I have scored $1 bathroom counter accessories, $5 towel sets, and $20 bedding. Pass up those outrageously priced vintage drawer knobs at Anthropologie and find yourself an estate sale! As tacky as it may sound to some, garage sales are a fun way to find beautiful pieces for pennies. Of course, there is Ikea, where European inspired minimalism descends upon broke college kids and frugal self-decorators alike. I also recommend Z Gallerie for their affordable and trendy decor that carries enough variety to satisfy all tastes and avoids the stigma of having "that Ikea stuff."

Employment Rant

I've blogged about it many times, you've all heard me rant, but here it is again... Yah, sure, I know the economy isn't doing well and there's an alarmingly high unemployment rate, but when I look on the job boards I see plenty of listings. I apply for plenty of those listings.

Obama just got done preachin' on about how we as a nation need to be pursuing higher education. Well, Obama, here I am desperate to get to Phoenix so I can start my MBA at ASU, but I can't get a job there to save my life! Last month there were five openings at my company's Phoenix office that I knew I was more than qualified for, and now it is down to one. Two that have already been filled did call me back, were interested in my resume, but went to other applicants who had more "applicable" employment experience. Now I'm not talking about I.T. jobs or anything like that where special skills are required... I'm talking about admin jobs. I'm talking about keeping calendars and files for some exec at a level important enough to get a window of his very own. 

If at 18 I successfully completed a year of living in a tour bus traveling around the nation as the assistant manager of a multimillion dollar merchandising company, I think I can answer a multi-line phone. If I can organize logistics for summers of romping about third world countries, I think I can keep a calendar in Outlook. I have been with my company for a year and a half and have proven to be extremely competent both professionally and intellectually. Yet again I find myself wanting to stand up in my cube and scream "For the love of God, people! I have a Bachelor's Degree!" 

I would estimate that around half of the people doing my job at my company have their BA. Therefore, I am not using my BA, because clearly it holds no baring on whether or not the company will employ me. Because I am still one of the newer employees in my department, and because pay increases are being withheld this year, I make just enough to have an acceptable standard of living and pay all of my bills... including the one for my last year of that useless BA. I'm sure you can understand my frustration at the fact that I rent a room in Oakland so that I can pay my student loans, while many of my twenty-something coworkers live at home with their parents not paying rent or loans, thus having a much more comfortable standard of living. Clearly, I need my MBA. Being only one academic level above these people is obviously not doing a damn thing for my career. 

Okay I'm done ranting. That was likely one of the least eloquent pieces of writing I've ever done, but I had to get it out. I'm telling you right now... Someday when those people who were more "qualified" to order pens from staples.com are still doing just that, I'm going to be a tremendously successful and highly educated professional with every right to the phrase "I told you so."

25

I've decided that adapting to "adult" life and single life simultaneously is one of the more awkward transitions I've been through yet. When I was younger, being newly single meant belligerent nights downtown with my girlfriends, bonding in our mutual man-hating, and barfing away our sorrows in the wee after-hours. I like to think I've done a lot of maturing and soul searching in the last couple of years, enough so that at 25 being newly single means nights of curling up on the couch with a glass of Mondavi Chardonnay and watching romantic comedies solo is not only acceptable but enjoyable.

It's a difficult thing to explain to people who aren't at that same place, and I don't say that in a condescending way toward myself nor the "others" insinuated. We all take different paths, thus passing through different stages in our own time and way. For me, 25 has so far been a season of enlightenment, and not always the freeing kind so much as the potentially depressing sort. It has been the acceptance of realities, such as that my career path no longer exists and that the people who have been an integral part of my life for all my life are as flawed as I am.

I ran away to Bali for the week of my 25th birthday, not previously calculating that in Bali my birthday would arrive a day sooner. I suppose the irony was appropriate. During my 22-hour layover in Hong Kong on my way home from that trip, I spent a great deal of time sorting out life frustrations through my journal. I had just finished reading a book called "Eat Pray Love" which, thanks to Oprah, has become a top seller. It is an autobiography of one woman's journey through a year of post-divorce soul searching. I remember feeling like I could be that woman, middle-aged and miserable even though she had all of the conventional pleasures lined up for her, including a beautiful home and husband, and a solid writing career. I remember feeling compelled to continue pursuing my passions, despite the speculation that even I had for myself after a decade of dabbling with no promising leads.

I can't say that in this moment I feel the same intense determination to faithfully wage on in those pursuits, but that inferno has not been extinguished so much as tended, evolving into a steady determination to simply be myself. I'm still figuring out day by day who "myself" is. But one of my most refreshing realizations at 25 has been that there's no shame in not knowing. In fact, there should be some level of pride in the ability to honestly and openly accept that life is a constant journey during which we are shaped and molded and forged into the best "me" that can exist.

What do I know about myself? I know that from early childhood I have had a fascination with the world. I know that for the last decade I have been passionately pursuing the use of journalism and photography as a means to expose the western world to the issues and needs of developing nations. I know that I have friends and family who absolutely love and support me as much as I do them, and have grown to value those relationships in a deeper way. I know that regardless of the roadblocks that I encounter I will more than survive, I will thrive, because a woman walking out her destiny is more powerful than any failing economy and stronger than the locks on the doors that have slammed in her face.

It doesn't matter what my past has held, and it doesn't matter if a man doesn't hold my near future. There are too many opportunities for lived experiences laying ahead to focus on the rear view mirror. Life is before us.

Orion on the Economy

Economic crisis according to my four-year-old nephew:

Orion: "Auntie, I got fired!"

Me: "Oh no! From where?"

Orion: "From over there by the lego box!"

Me: "What happened?" 

Orion: "Well I don't know, there was a big fire all over the place!"

Ok so maybe he doesn't quite grasp the concept, but I was impressed none-the-less.

Gold-Digger vs. Career Woman

I was having a conversation with a friend today and in the process of trying to outline my parameters for when and how I'd like to go about settling down with a husband and a family, I made myself sound, in his opinion, like a "gold-digger." Of course my friend, being an affluent man, was terribly offended by the suggestion that I wouldn't want to get married unless the guy had a decent career going and we were able to have kids without it being a financial burden. I attempted to back petal and redefine, but when the conversation ended I could tell that he was still stuck on my initial statement.

I felt awful about the entire thing because I am absolutely supportive women educating themselves and having self-sustaining careers. I got my degree, I make my own money and pay my own bills, and I pursue my passions in photography and travel. Never have I expected to sit back and wait for a wealthy man to leech off of. I am in a position where I am not married, I don't have kids, I have very few roots or ties holding me in to my current position, and I have the education and skill set to build a life for myself outside of a man if I choose to do so. Why is it such an absurd thing to say that if and when I get married I would expect that man to have a career and be fiscally responsible? That I would expect him to be able to provide a life full of opportunities rather than struggles for his family?

When people say "I'd rather be poor and happy than wealthy and miserable," I think it's an unfair assumption that there are only two options. It is entirely reasonable for a woman to believe that she can find a man who she's head over heels in love with and wants to settle down and start a family with, who has in his single life displayed passion and ambition that has maneuvered him into a financial situation where he is able to sustain a comfortable lifestyle for his family. Gold-diggers are lazy, selfish, and greedy. Career women are ambitious, driven, and goal oriented. I have the ability to ensure that when I go into the wife and mother seasons of my life I will enter them set up for success.